I am....

in love with Jessica Rachel Speight and proud of it.

sound

Lifesize Ken

sometimes i feel as if i myself try too hard to dress for everyone else. honestly, if lust and physical affection were not such problems in this world(and if there wasn't cold weather) i wish we didnt have to wear clothes.they were meant to cover our bodies and keep us warm. they were meant to hide our parts of our body that is attractive to save for our chosen one. i dunno, now it realy does feel like clothes are just a judgement. "don't judge a book by it's cover." now that phrase really hits me.I don't get it. style,fashion.its so important to many people i know, in which if they actually focused on the more important things in the world, it just might relieve the stress as becoming someone we're not.sometimes i feel like i need to dress a certain way in order to impress my girlfriend.sometimes i feel the need to impress people when im around her so she feels confident enough to know that she has someone people are attracted to, though thats not important in a relationship, rather being far less important than our common interests and shared memories.I don't want to attract anyone. I odn't want to impress anyone. I don't want to think i am someone better than anyone else. I am human with the same capabilities as everyone else. I don't want to think i am better because of my style, and honestly i think people are better than me because of their clothes (which is sad because it really means nothing as far as judging).but i really do feel the need to lust someones style, they pull off a certain image.but really? Some people i know, i get the feeling they like a certain someone mostly for the physical attraction.i feel like a nobody when no one talks to me for me and not my clothes.i hate shopping at h & m and forever 21, though theyre my favorite stores and i dont go out shopping too much, because i like the clothes but i see all these people running around everywhere.....its like heaven for people. but i dunno, really i cant even fully express how i feel about my disgust with fashion. it literally disgusts me. when i see a any girl with makeup,any girl who is extremely pretty or gorgeous, i only think to myself,why? why is she so pretty? why does she try so hard to look pretty? is she expecting anyone to observe these factors?is there really anything at all interesting about her personality that makes her unique? i know everyone is unique, but there are also many people who are just straight-up programmed. u know how u can go to best buy and buy a 24 inch imac.......u can buy 2, or 3, or 4....and all of those imacs u have will operate thew same exact way as each other. absolutely nothing different between them.thats who i am talking about. i lifesize computer.i don't want to be a computer anymore.I dont want to care about the stupid things i worry about if people like me or not. it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter if i don't like band tees, or if if i could, i would wear long sleeve button up shirts and a tie everyday of my life if i could. it doesnt matter wut they think......it doesnt matter if i have a passion for cartoons and kid shows i watched as a kid......it doesnt matter if i was into anime or not.it doesnt matter anymore.i want to live my life with an open interest without the world behind my back to care.

Manus

if i disappeared, i wonder if i would have any leftover friends.the ones i already have exist in an inch of my finger,and my finger shortens everyday because i bite my nails,making the end of my fingertips flat and dull,therefore making the friends in that inch as dull as it fits.Now,if i cut off that finger, i know it would bleed continuously,but would it dry out? or it could possibly talk back to me and yell for help.....and i could stitch it back up to my body.things will eventually heal and set back to normal.and then me and my friends within that inch could talk to all of the other friends i have in each inch of each finger.2 hands.5 fingers on each hand.Total=10 fingers.2 friends per finger.Total=20 friends.Two and a Zero.Each hand will consist of 1 nail on each finger,just as many nails as fingers.10 nails. Each nail will grow and and die,and grow and die, and grow and die, and grow and die, and grow and die, and grow and die because of its articulation with each friend.20 friends,2 on each finger,flexing with movements along my hand.20 friends total=A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T.....an organization of initials.I talk to them. I dream of them. I bite them. I bathe them.I eat with them.I please with them.I work with them.I train with them.
Each finger will die,and slowly decay after my body relapses of old age and a bizarre cofounder built inside of the nest of coconuts and palm trees.by 12,i exist.and just me.no fingers.no friends.no nails.each inch a none-a-meter. i exist with just my face.I exist.

cause and effect

today is the day my life has begun.

just got back a lil bit ago from george mason university.....stayin with a friend over there.and i gotta say, this whole obama thing, hes got alot of fans. haha
congrats to the new president, and i honestly hope the best for him.
please hope the best back to me, cuz i really need it at this point. i need to find my trail on the road again, this gps is just not workin when my hearts tryin to find its way around.and im back where i was before.LOST.

District of Columbia?

so right now as of this moment, im in Fairfax,Virginia waitin with alysha and jesse T at his apartment.......for the inaguration thingy for obama tomorrow in washington d.c. wow. seriously, this is history about to be taken place. i mean, it takes place every day, but this is something i might witness that is huge! im really nervous something bad will happen, but hey, mabe for once this will be a really good thing. i dunno. just worried about the rumors, and the world.i guess we'll be seeing in about 11 hours. i also went to the church of latter day saints temple, and i have to say, it is one of the most interesting buildings i have seen in my whole life. its pretty amazing. its so peaceful there! aaahhh! someday, i hope to get married there!

and of course, the whole weekend up to now, i have been dealing with a mistake i have made way too many times, and maybe i should just stop and think.maybe i should sacrifice my pain for the one i love. maybe in order for this person to truely be happy from now on, i should be a man, and let her live to be happy.let her feel and live her life without my presence in order for her to live in the first place.I am the mistake that i let myself become.
but I want her to be happy now that i know i won't be able to fix this ever again.